Was I Thankful...?

I was so excited about doing the Thankfulness Challenge in November.  I thought that it would be so easy to come up with something every day that I was grateful for.  

Instead, I bailed.

There is a reason for this, but it's not a good excuse.  You see, we were approved foster/adoptive parents with a private agency until this past September.  On September 5th, we were contacted by my husband's cousin because she wanted us to foster her son.  She does not have housing and was being told by CYS that she would have to surrender her son to care.  We agreed, and were contacted the next day by CYS to take part in a "safety plan" that would allow us to take him in without legal rights.  We turned down the safety plan, but told the social worker that we would take the child if he entered into care.

We found out days later through family that the child had entered into care.  We began calling CYS, but it was over a week before we spoke to anyone.  Nearly 2 weeks later, we were told that we must sever ties with our current agency and be approved with Chester County to provide kinship foster care.  We have spent the past 2 months going through the approval process.

We feel that he have been up against resistance from the start.  We were granted weekly visitation, but no one has been able to schedule more than an hour at a time—approximately every other week.  We have no idea when (or if) we will be able to become his kinship Caregivers.  On top of that, we haven't been able to take any other children into our home...

However, I realized today that I'm doing it wrong.  I've been looking for reasons to be grateful in spite of what we are going through.  

No. I need to be grateful for the experience.  There is nothing that we face in life without reason.  God may or may not choose to let us in on the reason, but he has the best planned for us.  And I can keep the promise of Psalm 18:6 in my heart:

In my distress I called upon the LORD, 

And cried to my God for help ; 

He heard my voice out of His temple, 

And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.

Today I choose to be grateful for my trials.  I choose to be thankful the no matter what I am going through  He hears me when I am crying out.  I have no idea when and how this trial will end, but I can be sure that no matter what, God is listening to me and carrying me throughout.

To My Child...

I looked for you again today.  Sometimes I feel like I am “shopping” when I look at all of the children who are waiting for a family.  I know your picture isn’t there, because I will know you when I see you. 

I wonder if people can understand the longing to be a mother when it isn’t possible.  I wonder if they can fathom the fact that every time Little Miss has a tantrum, I wish for more children throwing themselves on the floor, not less.  It is so difficult knowing that your family is not complete and not knowing where you are. 

I have to be honest, I am a little more hopeful lately with a case worker who knows how to return an email and is looking out for our family.  Suddenly, I feel like someone else is rooting for us.  And this someone can make things happen.

I wonder if you know what you will be joining when you come home.  You will have a sister, 4 cousins (all girls, sorry), two sets of grandparents who are ready to adore you, 4 Aunts and 3 Uncles who can’t wait to include you.  I picture Christmas with all 6 children playing in the wrapping paper and “feeding the reindeer”.  I can see us cuddling at story time. 

A friend told me the other day that we had a “lot of love to give”.  That is true.  I can’t wait for you to experience the love in our family. 

My child, I can’t wait for you to join us.  We are waiting for you.

The Waiting Game

There is an empty bedroom in our house.  A four-poster twin bed is made up with clean sheets and a big teddy bear sits at the end of it.  There is a life-sized Raggedy Ann doll on a child-sized rocking chair.  The only other piece of furniture is a chest of drawers with 5 empty drawers.

This is our foster child’s room. 

We were approved as a pre-adoptive foster family on February 9^th, 2012.  And we wait.  And wait.  And wait.  On a daily basis, Little Miss asks me, “When is my brother or sister coming?” 

When?

I don’t know.  When we started this process, our case worker told us that there were tons of kids out there in our age range.  A lot had already had TPR (Transfer of Parental Rights), and more were moving in that direction.  But since our approval, we have a hard time just getting a return call from our case worker.  It sucks.

We “shop” online state photolistings of kids, and send emails to the agency asking for more information about this child or that.  Hubby and I debate disabilities, what we can handle, what might be too much.  We talk about the children by first name, commenting on how adorable Faith is or how Jay has a wonderful smile. 

And then we walk upstairs and look at an empty room.